Monday, January 11, 2010

Missy Misdemeanor

Back in college, I went to alot of house parties. Now, either house parties can be alot of FUN, or REALLYBORING. That's what happens when you're underage (...wait, did I just say that?! MOM & DAD - STOP READING NOW!) So, to make things interesting, BFF Meghan & I would scout out the place and see if there was anything funny that we could "borrow" from the house to place in our dorm room.

Yes, right now is about the time you get all judgey and say, "WHAT?! 'Borrowing' is just a glorified word for STEALING! Illegal!!"

In our defense, nothing that we 'borrowed' was ever worth anything of real value. (UNLIKE my freshman roommate's tendency to shoplift from Walmart - without me knowing. But that's a completely different story for another time.)

Mainly we would just confiscate things like coasters, lawn ornaments, cups...and there was this really interesting evening when BFF Meghan thought it was funny to take the occupant's toothbrushes...(?) Anyway, you get the picture. Anything that we thought was interesting and funny was fair game, and it was THEIR FAULT for having it out for all to see..and for us to be tempted to take it.

You see, when I was about 20, it rarely crossed my mind that I could actually get in trouble for doing things like this. (Feeling invincible is wonderful, yet soooo naive!) We never did get in trouble, and I wish I could chalk that up to me thinking I was Double-Oh-Seven's sister - but I think it had more to do with dumb luck and a devout Catholic mother's prayers. (THANK GOD.)

That being said, my days of being a clepto are LONG GONE. I don't want anyone reading this to think they can't invite me over to their house because they're afraid that after I leave, their good China will be missing and they'll never see me again.

(Although, I DID try to take Meghan's Snuggie before I had my own...but we're best friends, so it's different...and she has a key to my house, so she could really do some damage if she wanted.)

Jump to this Saturday night.

I was on my way to meet some friends when the stop light in front of me turned yellow, then red.

As I was patiently waiting for the light to turn green, I looked over at one of the houses on my left.

Right there, in the doorway, was none other than this:


My old college ways started to sneak back into my brain.

In a matter of five seconds, this is what went through my head:
"It's night time so no one would see me. I wonder if it's just taped to the door way or if it would be a struggle. Is it inside or outside of the doorway? Could I do this by myself? Is there anyone visible in the front hallway? Where would I park my car so that I could get away quickly? It's a busy street, so I would have to look inconspicuous. WHY did I wear this BRIGHT RED COAT?! Anyone that isn't blind will be able to see me. Maybe if I just go up there, and ask, they'll give it to me. I hope they're friendly & understanding people. They might have a gun in the house...Should I call Meghan? Would she help me? No, she's not a Twilight fan. Is this worth it for EDWARD? I would TOTALLY do it if it was Jacob. Jacob is HAWT. Okay focus. It's now or never, VP..."

In the back of my mind, I knew it was wrong, and that inevitably, I wouldn't be able to pull this off, nor should I even try.

What sealed the deal, however, was when one thought hit me like a ton of bricks, bringing me back to reality:

'BORROWING' something at age 29 equals 'JAIL TIME.'

Just then, the light turned green, and with a very heavy *SIGH,* I drove away.



Anonymous said...

Hey "Missy", never say "Mom stop reading this now"!.. bet ya thought I was working tonight! I am glad you made the right decision, no man (real or cardboard) is worth going to jail for! I better go- gotta count the toothbrushes.

Anonymous said...

The only reason borrowing becomes stealing at our age is because of the people we choose to "borrow" from :) For example, if that same cut out was was at say at a certain duplex in Kearney... would you take it?

Meghan Gonzales said...

I plead the 5th...but man - it was sure fun!

Bridge said...

that's hilarious val, especially your thought process when you were planning the heist...those are exactly the things that would've been going through my head.

Urban Mom said...

I heard that they had these cutouts from Twilight at Neiman Marcus or somewhere swanky like that for a while. Middle aged women kept stealing them, though. LOL! So you would have at least been in good company in the clink.